Things I Should Have Said

This post is from September 2017 and I’m not editing it before posting. I am however adding more at the end.

This is a post that I’ve needed to write for a while, and I’m sort of scared, but here we go.

I am aromantic. This means that I don’t feel romantic attraction, and I probably never will. The world has been trying to pound into my head that love will make me happy for basically my entire life. I feel so left out of so much media. Literally the entire world is focused around finding “the one” and falling in love and idk if its just my anxiety screaming at me, but its painful. That’s definitely not the right word, but you get the point.

I realize that I’m not broken, but sometimes my anxiety and the world are so against me that it feels like I might be. My mom said she would pay me if I got a boyfriend, which is so annoying, because I don’t want one.

I want to cry so badly, but I have no tears left. I cried a total of 6 times yesterday, and once today. Both my brain and the rest of the world feel like they are against me, and I can’t handle it anymore.

For years, I have been told that good feelings last longer than bad, but it’s actually the opposite. Every time I am truly happy about something, either my brain or the world comes for revenge. I just want it to stop.

On Friday, I’m going in to see if I can be put on anxiety meds. I’m not on them right now because everyone told me I didn’t need them, but after having a month like this, I realize I really do.

IDK if I will ever post this, but it helped a lot to write it.

Hey, I wrote this when I was 16 and a lot has changed but a lot hasn’t. I want to tell my 16 year old self that they have a lot more life to live and they’re journey is just beginning.

I’m 19 now, I’m on anxiety meds, I’m nonbinary, and I’m still aroace. I got the money mentioned because my mom found out about my qpp (ily Theo) and not because of any boyfriend.

I’m publishing this for ace week 2020. Thanks for following me on this journey.

Edit: right after I posted this I realized I should have waited for aro week. Aromantisism and asexuality are separate identities. I mostly just wanted to put my teenage angst out into the world.

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